Needed

Yet another marching season gone. Just like that, it's passed.

This season carried its own challenges and plenty of them. Riverton's band is dysfunctional to say the least. It's been a learning experience, though. I've worked in great programs and under great directors, so I feel like I can bring something to this band. I feel like I'm finally needed.

In Easley, I felt like a contributing member. I wasn't necessarily absolutely needed, but I carried some weight. The Chelaks were a big deal there. We were definitely leaders in the program, even the little me.

After leaving Easley, I was pretty miserable. In Timpview's program, I felt like there wasn't much room for fun (sorry to my Timpview readers). It was a strict, no-nonsense band. That's good; they get a lot of work done in a short amount of time. It works for them, but I felt like it didn't work for me. I didn't feel like I fit as well into the program. I didn't know where I could help, what I could do; I wasn't needed.

So I left Timpview. I came here to Riverton. After my first rehearsal, I was honestly and truly frightened. This band had obvious issues; they spent three hours doing next to nothing. I didn't want to come back; I didn't know what to do. I thought I couldn't exist in a program that didn't work.

I made myself show up to rehearsals, though. I couldn't give up on band. It's all I have; it's who I am. At each practice, though, the internal issues only became more apparent. The leadership structure was shoddy and falling apart. The people didn't like one another. The staff and director weren't doing anything with our time. It was all enough to make me fall apart.

I found somewhere inside me a place that I could go for the three hours of rehearsal. I didn't like it; it was cold and distant and not a pleasant place to be. But it made things bearable. If I simply left whatever part of me that cared and went to this place, I could get through it. So for these summer rehearsals, I didn't say a word. I was shut off in this place of mine. I don't have a clue what people's impressions of me were. I don't know if they thought I was shy or simply didn't talk.

Things gradually got better. I started to let go of the "getting things done" hope and began to accept the time-wasting, carefree, relaxed aspect of this band. I began to hang around a group of people who at least acknowledged me. I still went to that place of mine, though.

When band camp rolled around, I didn't know what to expect. I was prepared for upset. We mostly wasted time. The band couldn't handle having a new director, who couldn't handle having a new band. Our drill wasn't completely written, so we spent a lot of time inside.

The season continued, and I began to introduce my "leadership" side of me. I tried to stop some of the crap that I saw; I tried making suggestions that would, in my opinion, benefit the band. I've gathered a lot from what works in a program and what doesn't. I tried to express that.

We went through the motions at rehearsals without really doing any work. I could see a mentality within the band that as long as we showed up, we would get better. That's not true, though, and we didn't. We remained at relatively the same level the entire season. People kept expecting our scores to go up, for us to place, but were shocked and upset when they didn't. They didn't want to put in any effort, though.

Now the season's over and not much has changed. People still predict the next section leaders using their method of picking whoever's been there the longest. There are still complete issues with attitudes. The bus is still an absolute wreck after our trips.

I have hope, though. I see these things and Mr. Faires sees that I see them. The band recognizes that I have experience and some of them look up to me. I wonder how much I can bring to this band in the remaining time I have left.

Still, though, I find myself back in that place inside my mind. A lot of what I have to say ends up shut off. I don't want to intrude or seem like a jerk, but is that what they need? Do they need someone to slap them in the face to get them to wake up?