Stress

My life should be relatively carefree, right? I'm a young teenager with no responsibilities and nothing to worry about, right?

I wish. With all my heart and soul, that's all I want. For some reason, however, I manage to make my little involvements into something that consumes me. I feel overwhelmed with this weight that's crushing down on me from all sides.

The most frustrating thing, though, is that this weight should be as light as a feather. The burden that I carry should only be a minor discomfort.

Really, I'm only involved in three things: school, band, and track. It doesn't seem like much, even to me. Each activity, however, has its ability to expand into a giant, all-consuming monster that just wants to tear me to pieces.

School:

I take school very seriously. There's no option to slack off or to miss an assignment. Every assignment I turn in must be the best work I can do. I try to finish projects creatively and with meaning, even if they are expected to be cheap and commonly done. If I don't get an assignment done until the last minute, I stay up as late as it takes me to get it done, even if it's not really important. I absolutely, no exceptions, unquestionably must get all A's, and preferably higher ones. I strive to be noticed by the teachers as excellent and maintain good stature in their eyes.

Band:

Music pretty much conquers my life. I love it and I love to be good at it. That's just the thing, though. I strive to be this amazing, accomplished, revered musician but I'm just not. I don't put in the practice hours to be one and I've never taken a real lesson. Yeah, I think it would be great to take private lessons and learn all this new stuff about my passion, but it just intimidates me so much. I don't take criticism well and I feel like I never have the time to dedicate to a weekly lesson.

I don't plan on making a living off of music, yet I still want to study like I will. I want to be the best even when I feel like I shouldn't be so devoted to this. I never practice nearly enough at all, so I always become super-stressed come audition time.

Track:

I want to be a good runner. I love to call myself a runner and I love being with runners. I'd like to call myself physically fit. I can't settle for last place in a race. I always want to beat my PR. I feel like running makes me a better person.

One problem: I never run. Yes, I go to all the track practices and conditioning sessions. Yes, I normally do fairly well in races. Yes, I take track seriously. I just never can strike up enough self-motivation to go out and run by myself. Outside of practice, I'm a lazy, good-for-nothing blob. This becomes a serious problem when the majority of training is self-done. Two weeks without conditioning does serious harm on a runner's physic. Any sort of break from regular practice (say, Winter Break) just absolutely kills me. I never get out and do what I need to do, even though I tell myself constantly that I need to. I beat myself up over it, but I just never can seem to push myself to stop being such a bum.

See the common monster between the three?

It's me. I'm my greatest enemy. I hold myself back and I sabotage my chances of being what I want to be. Even now I beat myself up, which hurts me more. I can never seem to do what I need to do and I create my own stress.

I want to live a life where I have absolutely nothing to do, but I can't see any opening any time in the future. I want to live quietly and stress-free, but I feel like that will never happen. I have school, then band in Summer Break, then marching band, then school, then track, then it all repeats throughout high school (and I need to fit a job in there somewhere). After high school, I have college, work, family(?), life, expenses, etc. Aghck!!

Life never stops, never takes a break, no matter how desperately I want it to.