For as long as I can remember, I knew I was going to play an instrument. I knew. I had seen other people playing and I said to myself, "That's what I'm going to do someday." I don't have to ask myself, "What if I never picked up an instrument?" because I've always known that I would be holding an instrument at this moment in my life. Yes, there is the question, "What if I never picked up a saxophone?", but I don't consider that vital because regardless of what instrument I picked up, I would still be in relatively the same position.
Ever since the first marching band competition that I witnessed, I knew that I would play an instrument and I would march with it. So I'm spared from the question "What if I never joined marching band?" I could ask the question "What if I never joined the marching band in the sixth grade?", but the answer wouldn't stray too far from what it is now. The way I see it, if I hadn't joined band in the sixth grade, I would still be in marching band at my current age, but I perhaps would not be as good as I am now. Maybe I would, but it wouldn't affect my life position.
Even the question "What if I had never moved to Utah?" isn't necessarily a surprising one. I always have had the feeling (or known, I'm not quite sure) that we would move here. It was always talked about, and considered, and said like it would happen someday. I knew it would take awhile, but I felt that we would end up here. And we did. So the "What if?" doesn't even matter.
Now I'm stuck on the question "What will?" What will happen after this point? What will I do? Where will I go? All my life, I've been visualizing my position up to this point. And now I'm out of storyboard. I have no clue what's going to happen next, where I want to be, and what I want to do with my life. I want to know, but I don't. Nothing's been laid down for me.
So now I feel stuck. I have no prefabricated ideas of my life left; I'm running purely in the moment, and I hate it. I don't know what's going to happen next. I want to, but I don't.
I actually feel like nothing's in front of me, that the time beyond now doesn't exist or won't happen. I have this deeply-rooted feeling that it'll all just end, and everything will just be no more. I've had this feeling for quite a while, and I think it's because I'm out of rope. I have to start climbing on my own power now and start striking out in my own way. I've got to start making things happen.
The problem is, I don't know what I want to happen.
2 comments:
"Do not seek fame. Do not make plans. Do not be absorbed by activities. Do not think that you know. Be aware of all that is and dwell in the infinite. Wander where there is no path. Be all that heaven gave you, but act as though you have received nothing. Be empty, that is all." -Chuang Tzu: You do not need to know where you are going, you simply need to just be.
It sounds like you've had a lot to plan for and look forward to--now you've gotten to High School where things are pretty mapped out, the only variation is in your schedule. But then AFTER High School is when you have LOTS of fun choices--where to go to college, if you want to go abroad, what to major in, who to date/marry, where to live. You get to decide your whole life plan.
So if you want to start planning now, just for the fun of it, you should!
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