It has been almost four months since Harrison has left, but it still hasn't yet "sunk in". I don't feel as if he is any less part of the family, or any more for that matter. I just feel as if there is this giant wall in our communication.
We are not formal enough people to go out of our way to actually call each other or send a letter/email, that would be awkward for us. The most communication we give is a short twitter or a blog post, and those always leave a question behind with a sense of mystery or a lack of details. It is not sufficient enough to keep a lasting relationship.
Sometimes I feel as if he is not gone, or will be back soon, and other times I feel like he's disappeared forever. I see his posts and his pictures on Facebook, and I'm like, "Man, he's cool. I would really like to get to know him now." A lot like with my many cousins that I have not developed a true relationship with. I don't really know them, but I can look and tell what awesome people they are.
I feel as if Harrison is drifting away, becoming one of them, yet still just being my brother who has moved to Utah. I can tell he has grown some, and is still growing. Learning from our cousins and the real world, what's it's like to be "out there". All I can do is hope to keep communications up with him and hope to see him over the summer.
See, even now I feel as if he'll just come home from this long trip and we'll share our stories, talking and filling each others' heads with what we have seen. It'll be normal, we'll just have a chat and go on our ways.
But that's not it. We probably won't speak any for a very long time, and even then it'll be little. He won't magically just start chatting with me, and I won't start chatting with him.
I know he'll probably read this, but it doesn't matter. This isn't real communication, and even if it is, there's not much said in it. There's no emotion, and I can't even explain what I'm really saying. There's just this giant, unscalable, unfeeling wall in the way, and there's nothing to do about it.
1 comment:
Dear cousin of mine,
it's a weird transition--I understand. Maybe you both will have to use your phones for speaking--odd idea (see Thad's blog)
Maybe you can come out here for some of the summer?! I won't be here, but you might still have a good time. In any case, come for Christmas 2010 and I'll be here.
Love,
Cousin Beetle
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